Will Rambo IV suck?

When I was 14 and weighed in at 9 1/2 stone I became a Stallone fan. I saw Rocky II, lying on the living room floor in front of the 21" TV that my parents had. Nobody in the room saw the tears streaming down my face when Adrian came out that coma.

The training montage and the run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art became a piece of cinematic history.



From that moment on, mine and Sly's destinies would become intertwined, financially at least.

I bought Rocky III on VHS (when video tapes cost as much as a small car), I saw Rocky IV at the cinema the day it came out. I bought the Rambo poster book and had John J in various poses of mass murder, blu-tacked to my bedroom wall. I had the Rambo computer game for my ZX Spectrum and for breakfast I drank raw eggs mixed with milk until I was ill.

I was with Sly for the good times, wearing a dress and a beard in Nighthawks, jumping out of river to gut an unsuspecting Vietnamese's conscript and knocking the fuck out of Dolph Lundgren. These are our memories.

We share some regrets to. Sly made Oscar and I went to watch it.

I think thats enough talk of regret...

Over The Top, Stop Or My Mum Will Shoot, Daylight, Judge Dread and that time I shit myself at the Boys Brigade, these are the moments that have molded us into the people and the places we are now.

I have a son, who I'm guiding in the ways of the world, he's seen all the Rocky films and has some of the new action figures. One day, when he's older I'll introduce him to a psychologically damaged Vietnam vet with low body fat.

The new John Rambo movie will be awful if the teaser trailer is anything to go by.



However, sometime, years from now, there's a rainy Sunday afternoon where myself and my son will sit down to enjoy an old movie, it's going to have no plot, clunky dialogue and a scene where some gook gets his throat ripped out, thats become a piece of cinematic history.

'When your pushed, killing's as easy as breathing'

'Describe your life in one word?'

I was away on a business trip recently and went for a meal with two work friends to a Greek restaurant . They're having an affair, does that word still get used? Okay, they're fucking.

I was unfortunate enough to also be staying in the hotel room next to them. Hotel walls aren't as thick as they should be. I put my ipod on and listened to the Stern Show (Sal the Stockbrokers wife has an emotional friend and Big Foot and Blue Iris played the What's in my ass game) but I could still hear fucking going on next door. The sound of fucking kept me awake till the early hours. Then after they'd finished, the sound of no fucking kept me awake till the morning.

Back to the Greek restaurant, my male friend, I'll call him Eric the Midget, to protect is identity, posed this question.

'Describe your life in one word?'

I can't remember there words, I can remember mine, and it wasn't very good.

I've thought of a better one now and I'm dying for the conversation to come up again, but because of the circumstances I don't think it will. Shame.

My word...

Shipwrecked.

Yie Ar Kung-Fu Xbox LIVE Arcade Review

Shit.

Pot Noodles & Jerry Maguire

I'm trying to lose weight.
I've been to the gym at work, for four nights on the run. I've been watching what I eat. This week I've been watching Pot Noodles and egg on toast.

I'm not overly over weight. I could do with losing a stone (14 pounds). I'm the classic ectomorph shape and I think I've just made that word up. I mean the body shape that comprises -

a) boney girl arms
b) a 36 inch waist
c) more than one chin

I've always had skinny wrists, I could never wear tight fitting jumpers as a teen, in case someone noticed justed how boney I was.
I think...know, the drive for me losing weight is to get laid. I know in my heart that there is a mercy fuck with my name on it just around the corner. If I can catch someones eye, if they can see I'm making an effort and I haven't got a tight fitting jumper on I can hit paydirt with K-dirt.

This is the play list on my ipod, I've been doing my training to for the last few days.

In your honer - Foo Fighters
Living for the weekend - Hard Fi
Guitar - Prince
The best of you - Foo Fighters
Secret Garden-Bruce Springsteen
An honest mistake - The Bravery
America - Razorlight
Set fire to the third bar - Snow Patrol
Speed of sound - Cold Play
Beetlejuice song - Staind

I'm on the chest press machine (one of those ones that you sit in) when the Springsteen song comes on. It's the one from Jerry Maguire , it's the version with the sound bites from the movie in it...

'You complete me....'

It reminded me of going on a date with an Australian girl, to see that movie. Her name was Meridith, she was from a town called Aubry-Watonga (?). Her sister went to the same school as Nick Cave. After the movie she gave me a blow job.

'You had me at hello...'

Peace

Writer's block...

So the idea that I've got writers block doesn't really hold water. I'm not a writer. I like the idea of being a writer. I like the idea of not having leave my flat to go to work. That I could stay home, listen to the Stern Show, look at porn and drink coffee. And at some point in the day write something and get paid for it.

I remember stuff.

And there's stuff I can never remember. I can't remember my own mobile number but I can remember being a toddler, waking up in the middle of the night screaming after a bad dream, rattling the bars of my cot as my mum ran upstairs to comfort me. I must have been about three years old.

That's my earliest memory. I remember the dark alcove that my cot was pushed into, in my parents bedroom. I can remember the unusual purple color wallpaper they had , it was that wood-chip stuff, that was popular in the 70's and 80's with people with no money.

I remember day dreaming about being a writer too. From the age of 16 I've wanted to 'be a writer'. I'm 30-something now and I'm still dreaming. So the purpose of this blog is for me to write, right. Just write, type, think and write.

My dreams are small, and sometimes they keep me awake.